Lately, I simply cannot get a grip on everything.
Becca (the her) I keep referencing, is so close, but too far. And imagine how well it would go over with my parents if she just showed up. I would love it, but that would quickly be extinguished by the shock, resentment, and fear of my parents. So for now, it is out of the question.
College continues to be...exasperating. I really, honestly am happy for all my friends who get into college. I just wish I would, too. Because I'm starting to get afraid that I won't get into any college and will be stuck at OCC (Ocean County College) and consequently South Jersey for the rest of my life. UNCW, please write back. Or Stockton. Please.
Ah, the Comedy Show. The girl who prefers to be a wallflower has to perform a five minute act in front of a CROWD of people at my school. I'm nervous already. I have some material, but nothing concrete yet. God help me. I can't do this.
My so-called "friends" piss me off with their negativity, arrogance, and in general selfishness. I'm not a hypocrite though, because I do it too. But at least I try not to. Do they?
Driving test. Damndamndamn. My driving itself isn't too bad. My dad can prepare me well enough. But parking? Ready, set, fail!
Amber got in serious trouble. Or, what could be serious trouble. I'm scared out of my mind for her. She's eighteen now, so it could get messy.
I really wish I could just curl up with you right now, because today feels like a bad one. I need you now more than ever, but you're at work and that sucks. I know you need to work, but it sucks because I need you. I'm sorry for saying that. See? I am selfish.
I'm not even excited for Christmas like I was yesterday. At all.
I can't wait until tonight, when my world rights itself again.
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Baby girl, I'm sorry.
I love you more then anything, okay?
Just... sit back and let the world work for you for a while. Wait for your college acceptance letters, because you know they will be acceptance letters.
As for the comedy show, just... relax. It's a five minute stand up in front of a crowd of people who may or may not know your name. You'll go on, they'll think about you/judge you/whatever for five minutes, then the next kid will come on and the crowd will forget.
It really is that instant. Instantaneously, the crowd will have forgotten your act, existance, whatever. Pointless. Just a five minute stand up act.
You gotta think about it like that, or else you're going to let your insecurities eat you alive. Don't do that okay? I like you whole, and not eaten by invisible little things, alright?
As for Amber... well.
Just.. be there for her as much as you can. Reguardless of what she did or didn't do, she's your friend.
Blah.
I miss you.
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