My Chest Feels More Like A Fist Wrapped in Blood.

I have not blogged in a long time. Now I feel the need to because nothing else is easing the ache.

Everyone tries to help and the more they do, the more I hurt. They tell me it's for the best (and so does she), but it isn't. For me. For her it's best. She needs this. But me, I only need her. Even as I was agreeing that it was for the best that night, all I could think was 'Please, no. Don't. We can make it.' The words she has said to me most are 'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I do love you. But I can't.' And she is sorry. And she does love me. But sorry can't fix me. No matter how many times she apologizes--and I KNOW she means it; I believe her-- it still hurts. It hurts so bad that my heart feels alternately frozen and in terrible, agonizing pain. I know it's hard for her to take. The fighting, with everything on top of it. I'm being selfish here. So is she. I love her. I still want her in every way. And I can't have her. 'Maybe in the future,' she says. So, I pose one question. What am I supposed to do NOW?


My fingers are yours to cut off. And my bones are yours to shatter in pieces. My teeth are yours to pull out. And my soul is yours to slowly rip apart.

I am still yours. Whether I want to be or not. Just say the word.

9/09/08-6/19/09